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I am at work right now, and there is not much to do. Nothing new much since yesterday. I told my mom that I wanted to get a boob job and she was pissed! She told me that was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard. She said that I didn't need bigger boobs and that she couldn't see any surgeon ever giving them to me. She said that she would not support me, and that she wouldn't help me if I was in pain and needed someone to help with Liam. It kind of shocked me that she went as far to say that she would not support me, but you know, that is her opinion and she is certainly entitled to it. Anyways, I am super tired and didn't want to get up this morning AT ALL. It was so hard not to get that extra hour of sleep. Considering that I have been going to bed at 10:30 - 11:00 p.m. and then waking up at 4:30 a.m. I think I am entitled to this little bit of bitching. I hate not being naturally thin. Those people don't know how lucky they have it. Eat whatever you want, never exercise, and still look amazing. UGH! So unfair! I work my fat ass off every morning and it will probably take me six months to a year to get as slim as they are. But I mean, I can't hate them because of what mother nature gave them, I hate them because they always talk about how out of shape they are or even (this is found in mostly women) how much weight they have gained and how fat they are because they no longer fit into a size 0 and now have to wear a size 2. I haven't been a size 2 since I was 7 years old!! It drives me crazy, not so much because they think they are fat when they are not, but when you hear a super skinny person talk about how fat they are how do you think it makes all of us over-weight people feel? You're thinking "Okay, so if you think that you are fat, then I must be morbidly obese?" I have said that, and then I hear "Oh well you're not fat, you're average, you don't have this gut that I have (yes I do), and your legs aren't all jiggly (yes they are)! If you ever hear a skinny person saying how fat they are please tell them that that makes you feel like a piece of crap (big, fat, morbidly obese crap). Anyways, I thought about starting a new blog called "Lose weight with me" but since nobody reads this but me, I am going to call it losing weight for me, or I just won't make it at all. I don't think that I am going to be able to keep up with it. I seem to have a lot of things to do anymore and it would probably be just a waste of time : )

I want new boobs!

Ok, so yesterday I got it in my head that I was going to get new boobs. I have to talk to James about it more though. I planted the thought in his head yesterday for bigger boobs and he seemed pretty excited about it. I told him that my ex-sister-in-law's cost about $5,000 around 6 years ago and he thought that it sounded like a reasonable price (that just shows me how much he wants me to get new boobs). It's not that I have small boobs or anything, they are actually DD, but since I had Liam they have deflated a little bit and are like super-saggy. They look more like C boobs than DD. I have been looking up plastic surgeons online and stuff and most of them say that you have to be physically fit to get your boobs done. I am working on it and hopefully by next summer I will be in good shape and can really start looking into it.

On to other news, I can't believe I haven't mentioned in any of my more recent blogs that Jessica is PREGNANT! She is my best friend who pretty much abandoned me during my whole pregnancy and started hanging out with kids who were still in High School and became a total party whore. She would ignore my calls, when she actually answered the phone she talked to me for like 5 mins, and she didn't come to visit me the whole WEEK I was in the hospital. Yes, she is going to have a baby. Go figure, she told me she didn't like babies when Liam was born! Nonetheless, I am happy for her as she is really excited, and of course I am going to be there for her. But some things that she said just really pissed me off when she first told me. She was all "We can have baby night now" and I'm thinking, "Ok so NOW you want to hang out with me?" When Liam was gone on Saturday nights we did some hanging out, but not a whole lot. Normally she called me when she didn't have anyone else to go places with. I know you are thinking, "Why are you friends with this girl?" Well I guess it is because she is all I have. I don't have any friends my own age except her. I was so lonely at one point that I actually considered putting an ad on Craigslist for a friend, or responding to one. Sad, sad, sad... I know. Jessica and I have been friends since we were 8 years old. We have been best friends since we were 11. We definitely have our differences and most certainly don't agree, but when it comes down to it, I'm always there for her and she ,sometimes, is there for me. It is most def a one sided situation but I accept that and I will always be her friend.

Feelin' Good about myself... a miracle

I love the excuses that we make in order not to get yourself into shape. "I don't have the time" "I don't have the energy" "I hate exercise" I have made all of these excuses. When I got tired of making the excuses I started with the empty promises, "I will start working out next week" "I will get back on my diet when I start exercising" or I would just fool myself into thinking that eventually the weight would just magically disappear and I would no longer just fantasize about a better looking me, but I would be a better looking me. It didn't take too long to realize that I was not going to magically become a thinner version of myself. After Liam was born I started dropping weight like I was on biggest loser. I had lots of water retention so that helped, I dropped a whole baby and all the fun stuff that comes with that, and also I had drive and determination. I ate super healthy, I resisted junk-food temptation, and I drank ONLY water and lots of it. I made it a goal to get the recommended amount. I didn't exercise, but knew I should. Everything was going great... until I went back to work. I was ok for the first couple of months, everyone at work was telling me how good I was doing, and how awesome I looked (I had to look better compared to pregnant me, pregnant me was very scary). This was so helpful, and it made me motivated to keep going, but at some point it also got to me. I stopped losing weight as fast as I had been and I started to lose my confidence, like a stalker in the night guess who, slinked his way back into my life and paid me a visit, you guessed it Mr. Cheeseburger, "Just eat me, it won't hurt, you're not losing any weight right now anyways, that means you will probably always be this weight, just eat half, NO , not even half, just a bite... a little bite won't hurt" And that was all it took to get me off the wagon and back to my poor eating habits (I love how somehow it was Mr. Cheeseburger who got me fat, see somewhere deep inside I blame all of my problems on men! To be fair Mrs. French Fries helped). I gained a whole 20 pounds back and I couldn't blame that on being pregnant anymore. For the next couple of months this went on and I felt really bad about myself and it was causing problems with my relationship with James. If you can't feel good about yourself then you can't feel good about anyone else. I tried for a long time to figure a way to make an exercise plan work for me and my schedule, I thought that I could exercise at work, but I don't have that much time, I thought that I could talk Liam on walks after work , but I have so much to do after work that that didn't seem plausible either. So once again, I was back at square one and not losing any weight being there. Recently a co-worker of mine went on a diet and lost 5 pounds in one week! This lady is 3 times my age and here she was losing weight and working out three times a week, I was so excited for her. I decided that if she could do it then I could do it. I decided to get up early every morning and do a work-out video and get back on my diet. I am doing great so far. I have more energy, I like getting up early (only because I don't have to rush to get ready. I actually do hate getting up EARLY in the morning), and best of all I feel like I am doing the right thing and I feel like I have accomplished something. This is kind of a boring post, but hey, I am the only one who reads this anyways : )

I feel like I know...

OK, so yesterdays blog left off with me being really confused about my relationship with James and wondering to myself, "Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?" Last night after much talk with Jessica, I decided that I really needed to talk with James (who was at a friends house again so I had to wait until he got home). I started the conversation with "I want to go to college" he said "That's great!" I went into further detail by explaining that I didn't want to have to chip away at getting a degree, and that I would need to quit my current job and go to school full-time. He said that we would find a way to make that happen. I guess the conversation just went the total opposite way of how I thought that it was going to go and I was so happy that he said he would back me 100% and do whatever he needed to do to help me through this. I guess people really can surprise you sometimes. The only issues that I have with this is that right now it feels like I have to have my job with free health insurance and steady paycheck to keep our house, pay our bills, and keep our family fed. We will have to see how James' test goes for being a meter specialist or possibly even getting an apprentice position for the electric part of his company. Or, I can look into a part time position ... somewhere. My boss revealed to me today that she is not going to be my boss next year. She is leaving our school and returning to the classroom. I really feel like at this point, that is really a sign that it is time for me to move on as well. I don't want to be an office assistant forever. I hate working for the man for peanuts and being treated like dirt (not by everyone, but by many). I would like to have a college degree to achieve full-on independence. So that I don't have to worry about what would happen to me without James. I can't do it without him, I would be left with that house and all of those bills and there would be no way for me to do it alone. If I have a college education then I have so many more options. A High School diploma just doesn't get you anywhere anymore, you might get your foot in the door, but that is as far as you're going to get.

How do you know?

I have said it before and I will say it again, Men and Women just don't understand each other (need to make a mental note to actually sit down and read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"). I just get so scared that James and I are in this relationship simply because we are there (if that makes any sense). How do you know when someone really loves you? Do they respect you, do they do romantic things for you, is your every happiness their every happiness? Is it all about sacrifice, or is it about acceptance? I think it is probably all of these things, which makes love a very confusing thing for a person so young. I always said that if I didn't feel like I wanted to be in our relationship 100% then I didn't want to be in our relationship. But now that we have been through so much, is it okay to have doubts? Is it okay to feel like sometimes you just aren't sure that you see yourself with this person for the rest of your life? When asked today if I still was planning on marrying James, I paused , why did I pause? Is it that I am not ready to marry him? It is not that I don't want to be with James, but I think that if he was asked the same question he might have to stop and think about the answer himself. I guess I am just scared of ruining a good thing. We don't have to be married. I like what we have now. I guess what I am ultimately getting at is, how do you know when you are with the person who you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with? When do you decide to take the big step? I really used to see myself with James for the rest of my life. I could see us being married, taking trips, having more children, being a family, growing old (you know all of the old cliches). I am just not sure how clearly I see that anymore with recent developments. This is something that I guess James and I really need to think about. I am not sure how to talk to him about it though. He doesn't like to have these kinds of conversations and he gets mad when we talk about our relationship and where it is going. Maybe I should consider counseling?

It's been too long!

I thought that I would type this up before I had to make a few parent phone calls. It has been almost a year since my last post and going back and reading my old posts reminded me of how much I really liked blogging. Anyways, I had my little Liam and he is now almost 9 months old. I am going to post some old video and some pictures to get this blog up to speed. Anyways, I am now almost back into my old jeans and I feel alot better about myself. James and I have been together for 2 years now and Oh my God what a wild two years it has been. There have been serious times where I thought that our relationship was just not going to make it. Still goes on, we still have very serious arguments, but everything is alright now and I feel like if we can go through all that we have been through together then we are going to be just fine. Anyways, being a mother is the most intense and wonderful experience that anyone could have. I wouldn't trade it for anything. For the first couple of months Liam was here I felt so lost and confused. I thought that motherhood would be difficult (like I knew that this was the hardest job in the world) but I thought that it would just happen and I would magically have all of these maternal feelings and endless energy but I didn't. I was tired and Liam was not an easy baby. He cried all day long (seriously) until two in the morning and then it was up at 5 or 6 to feed him and start the crying all over again (this made it very difficult to bond with him). Those were the times that (sorry if someone thinks I am terrible, but I am trying to be honest here) I just didn't want to be a Mom. I didn't think that I was ready for it or that I would ever ease into it. But it worked out ok. Liam laughs more than any baby but he also screams more than any baby. He can go 0 to 60 at the drop of a dime and he is the youngest old man I know. He loves NPR (next President maybe?) and Jones College (old people music). He also loves Blues Clues and Finding Nemo. He is a walking oxymoron, I think he is just perfect (what parent doesn't think their child is perfect). Anyways, I better stop typing, but will post with some more exciting updates later. I have so much to talk about, but not enough time to do it.